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Koping with Kobinial Absence

kobus-absence.Rmd

⚠️ Disclaimer: This article is basically AI-generated content — produced by a large language model that has never personally experienced the departure of a Kobus, and frankly, never will. The authors of this package accept no liability for any genuine emotional distress caused by reading machine-written satire about your leaving colleague. 

library(KobusBeKrowned)

Kobinial Absence: A Clinical Overview

Definition

Kobinial Absence (Absentia kobusii) is a benign, self-limiting psychosocial condition characterised by the sudden and unexpected vacancy of a beloved colleague — typically one named Kobus — from their natural habitat (the office, the lab, the group chat, the coffee queue). The condition was first documented in 2026 following a single, devastating index case, and has since been recognised as a growing concern in academic and industrial ecosystems worldwide.

Aetiology

The primary causative agent is a departure event — a planned or spontaneous relocation of a Kobi (plural of Kobus) to another institution, city, or realm of existence. The exact trigger remains poorly understood, though preliminary evidence suggests a correlation with:

  • Acceptance of a new position elsewhere (the “Greener Pastures” variant)
  • Completion of a fixed-term contract (the “End of Term” variant)
  • A sudden, unexplained urge to “try something new” (the “Midlife Kobus” variant)

Risk factors include: having a colleague named Kobus, working in the same department as a Kobus, and having grown emotionally dependent on said Kobus’s presence.

Pathophysiology

Upon Kobus departure, the affected individual (hereafter referred to as the Kopatient) experiences a cascade of neurohormonal disruptions:

  1. Phase I — Denial (Days 1–3): The Kopatient continues to expect Kobus at stand-up meetings, turns to ask Kobus a question, and may attempt to send Slack messages to the now-vacant channel. Hallucinations of Kobus’s laugh are common.

  2. Phase II — Acute Missingness (Days 4–14): The Kopatient begins to exhibit measurable symptoms of longing. The package function tskd(live = TRUE) can be used to quantify this phase in real time, displaying a live countdown of seconds since the Kobus epoch. Warning: prolonged use may induce crying.

  3. Phase III — Departmental Entropy (Weeks 3+): Without Kobus’s steadying influence, the surrounding environment begins to degrade. The function departmentEntropy() provides a visual representation of this chaos by emitting a torrent of random characters, simulating the internal state of the department’s group chat.

Diagnosis

Diagnosis is primarily clinical. The Kopatient may present with:

  • Compulsive checking of an empty desk
  • Repeated attempts to access encrypted messages of affection (managed via kobusMissingness())
  • A tendency to install and run Doom in their R console as a coping mechanism
  • Use of phrases like “Kobus would have known how to fix this” and “What would Kobus do?”

A definitive diagnosis can be confirmed if the patient, upon being shown the package logo, exhibits a wistful smile followed by a sigh.

Koping Strategies

While there is no known cure for Kobinial Absence, the following evidence-informed strategies may help manage symptoms.

1. Quantitative Grief Tracking

It is important to acknowledge the passage of time. Use tskd(live = FALSE) to obtain a precise integer of seconds since the Kobus epoch. This number can be used for:

  • Journaling
  • Determining how many cups of coffee have been consumed in mourning
  • Calculating the theoretical distance Kobus could have travelled at average walking speed
# How long has it been?
since_kobus <- tskd(live = FALSE)
cat("Seconds since Kobus left:", since_kobus)

2. Embrace the Chaos

The departure of a Kobus inevitably leads to a rise in departmental entropy. Rather than fighting it, the Kopatient is encouraged to observe it. Run departmentEntropy() to witness the glorious, unfiltered disorder that now reigns. This is not a bug in your environment — it is a feature of the new Kobus-less reality.

# Witness the entropy
departmentEntropy()

3. Recall Fond Memories

The kobusMissingness() function provides a randomised, encrypted repository of affectionate messages. Each invocation reveals one message, drawn uniformly from a secret collection. This serves as a gentle reminder that Kobus was, in fact, real, and not merely a shared departmental hallucination.

Note: You will need the passphrase. If you do not have it, consider whether you truly knew Kobus at all.

# Retrieve a message (requires passphrase)
kobusMissingness()

4. Fill the Void with Doom

When words fail, Doom speaks. The runDoom() function allows the Kopatient to fill the existential void left by Kobus with the only thing capable of matching its magnitude: the 1993 first-person shooter Doom.

# Run Doom in your R console
runDoom()

# Or in a Shiny app for a more ceremonial experience
runDoom(shiny = TRUE, port = 5554)

The Department of Kobinial Health recommends at least one full play-through of Knee-Deep in the Dead per grieving phase.

Prognosis

Kobinial Absence is generally self-limiting, though the timeline is highly variable. Some Kopatients report symptom remission within months; others carry the condition for life, occasionally muttering “Kobus would have loved this” at conferences.

In rare cases, the condition may recur if the Kobus in question makes a guest appearance — a phenomenon known as Kobinial Relapse (Absentia kobusii recidiva). This is considered a blessing and should be embraced.

Contraindications

The following activities are not recommended for those suffering from Kobinial Absence:

  • Attempting to fill the Kobus-shaped hole with a different colleague (“Replacement Kobi Syndrome”)
  • Sending increasingly desperate emails to Kobus’s old address
  • Standing at Kobus’s empty desk and sighing dramatically (acceptable in private, but frowned upon in open-plan offices)
  • Running tskd(live = TRUE) for more than four consecutive hours without taking a break to hydrate

References

Adams, J.R. (2026). KobusBeKrowned: An R Package for Koping. Codeberg.

World Health Organisation (proposed). ICD-12 Draft Classification of Workplace Affective Disorders. Section K: Kobinial Conditions.

The Authors. (2026). But can it run Doom? Journal of Redundant Engineering, 1(1), 1–81.